Confession time...

I've gained back 3 pounds. So, I'm at 37.8 off now. I'm sad about it. I got depressed and turned to food which is NOT going to help. I watched Biggest Loser last night and seeing bow much Ada has worked through has inspired me to keep going. I don't want to be as big as I was, and I don't want to be as big as I am now long term. I need to lose about 77 pounds to be at the upper end of a good weight for my frame so it's time to stop wallowing and medicating with food. I have a long way to go, but I have already come pretty far. All I know is if I do what I have always done I'm going to get what I've always gotten... which is gaining more weight and being more unhappy.

I've been wallowing in my bad feelings about a situation in my family and that has contributed to my diet downfall as well. I read chapter 9 in So Long Insecurity (Beth Moore book) and worked through a LOT of STUFF. Chapter 9 is a long prayer where you are guided through laying your fears and insecurities down at the foot of the cross and reclaiming your dignity as a woman of God. I had a long hard cry as God revealed to me areas where I don't feel "good enough" and how I punish myself by sabotaging myself... or medicate my bad feelings with food. Christ died so I can be free... not only free from sin, death, and hell... but free from fear, insecurity and bondages of any sort. I have to put off the "old man" and clothe myself in dignity (Proverbs 31).

I also worked through Daniel chapter 1 for my ladies Bible study and the Babylon "motto" has really gotten to me. "I am, and there is no one besides me." This not only was the thought of that time, but it's the thought now too... and I can apply it to my family member who has caused so many pain, but I also need to point the finger at ME. Eating out of control and not treating myself well is saying, "I am and there is no one besides me." I'm basically forgetting my friends and family who would be deeply impacted should my health spiral downward as a result of my rebellion and neglect. I have to remember I'm not alone in this and my choices will affect my husband and my girls. Also others.

So, back at the calorie counting, the Y workouts and on off Y days, the Jillian video.. then the Bob ones once I feel ready for him. He's a beast! LOL!

Where am I now?

Well, I've slacked... but here is an update.

I've lost 40.8 pounds total. For some reason I'm sabotaging myself right now. I am not gaining but I am not losing. I really believe for me the answer is LOW to NO carbs. When I start letting myself have some carbs, a little becomes a lot before I know it.

I know though, that carbs, desserts, etc are a part of life so I need to learn moderation. I am nowhere near where I used to be, but I know myself and I can get back there in a hurry if I'm not careful. So it's time to go back on phase 1 of SBD and deal with these cravings.

This means no dinner at church Wed because they are having spaghetti AND garlic bread... :( I may need to wait a few days so the mexican lasagna in my fridge doesn't go to waste, or ONLY allow myself to eat that and then when it's gone just no more carbs. But I will get back on this.

If you follow me...

you know I've slacked off. I'm really not discouraged, but just haven't been able to work out much. Last week I was getting really snotty and feeling run down... and my rheumatologist ordered me to not work out if I was sick or run down. I'm on immune system suppressing drugs so I listen to her about these things. Also, Friday I was feeling better, but had Gabby's party so a workout that day just didn't happen. Going for sure Mon, Tues, and Thurs... maybe even Sat... Hubby has army reserves so I'll have to get the girls out before noon... around 10:30-11:00 so I can get a good workout in.

Time for bed... up too late tonight. Weigh in tomorrow. I hit 37lbs last week. We ate out last night for my husband's birthday so I fully expect to gain this week. Back on program again tomorrow...

36.6 pounds down since April 11, 2010

I couldn't be happier. This is the longest in a LONG while that I've stuck to a diet and exercise regimen. Oops, not DIET, healthy eating. I do have "bad stuff" but not every day, and not NEAR as often as in the past. It's a TREAT now, as it should be.

My goal is to be down 50lbs at or before 12/31/10. This means I have to lose like 1.5lbs a week (I think). I think it is doable. :)

update...

well, I haven't fully recovered from my bad week I posted about on 10/6. But, I've worked out 2x this week and I'm feeling better... planning to work out 4-5 times next week for sure. If I can get my girls out of bed tomorrow morning in time I'll work out in the morning too... but with it being Sat, I'd like to let them sleep, lol.

Down right now overall... just having a hard time lately.

October 2010 shot

The cold weather came...

and my ankle didn't like it much. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as it used to be when the weather changed. I took off from the gym today, didn't really rest, but I did manage to get the girls some fall/winter things at Goodwill and make a run to Walmart... came home, lunch and 3yo to bed, worked on laundry. My ankle is awesome now so tomorrow after taking G to school we'll hit the Y. She's off Friday and I'm so excited!! Monday too :D

Friday no Y, but we're going to MOPS and then out to McD with some friends. Monday I'm hoping to get to the Y then take them to Pottery Hollow to paint things for someone for Christmas. :)

Time for bed, it's after midnight. Tomorrow I'll get back on my eating plan and count my cals. I fell off the wagon today, argh! Actually, haven't been on the wagon since last week. Stress does awful things to my eating plan. :( I'm better this week so no more excuses! ;)

We lose our way... and get back up again....

I've had a HARD week. Those who know me know why. Those who don't... just know it's been stressful, emotional, all of that. I have made some bad food choices. I will not lie. However, I have also discovered I really enjoy exercising when I feel down. It makes me feel better. And, listening to my choir Christmas music while working out lifted me up even more. (someone tell Pastor Jim. He will be proud. I didn't sing though, I could hardly talk if someone had talked to me. LOL).

I did the elliptical for 40 minutes, lower body weights, and 5 min cooldown on crosstrainer. I felt AWESOME!!!!! I did not eat GREAT this week AT ALL... most days right over cal limit... but Tues, Wed, and today did 40 min of cardio (or more, and pretty much all elliptical). I did my weights too. I'll go tomorrow night and work out with Charles. The girls are excited to be able to be in child care together :) Cute. Normally G is at school.

I'm at the point now that I know I've had a lapse... and it's time to STOP in my tracks and remember my goals. I WILL get this weight off. I WILL go back to the healthy eating and cal counting. RIGHT NOW.

If you read this I need you to kick my butt in a few days...

I'm feeling really sick this morning... sinus pressure, nausea... just do not feel good. I can't work out and I am actually upset about that... but please in a few days, someone ask me if I have started back up... because I do not want to get completely out of the habit! Thanks :)

35 pounds GONE!!!!!

I got on the scale this morning expecting to be at 36... but... I'm VERY happy with 35... 2.4lbs this week. I am thrilled. People can tell, I can FEEL it... down 2 sizes. Almost getting to the sizes in the "regular" part of the store!

I'm loving my workouts now. I added interval training which kicks my rear! BUT... I get a much tougher workout. I also added upper body free weights. Loving the change. I am hoping between the new workouts, weaning off my prednisone (YES!!! Been stable at taking my 5mg e/o day for 2 weeks now! Praise GOD!!!)) and watching my calories/carbs... that the weight will keep coming off this fast! Losing 2lbs a week is really, really nice!

God, You are my hiding place...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Etq-jE8IJco

You are My Hiding Place -- Selah

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say
I am strong
In the strength of the Lord

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You

Heading to bed but...

can't help but have a lot on my mind. My life has changed a lot this year. I'm not homeschooling and there is a whole group of people I no longer see that I really miss. At the same time, I'm meeting new folks at the Y, at Gabby's school, at church, etc... and that is good but I do really miss the folks I was closer to last year while homeschooling. Life seems to always be changing. I hope to someday see the folks I miss whether it be in Walmart in passing or whatever. I miss my old life in some ways but the new way of life has its benefits too. I don't think anyone knew how stressed out I was trying to deal with pain, limitations etc and homeschooling. Did I need to toughen up? Maybe. But I was so overweight and so unhealthy I was too bogged down to keep moving forward.

We are a month into school and Gabby is doing fabulously. I'm hoping to arrange some playtimes with the girls she plays with the most at school so she can get to know them better and I can meet the moms. Gabby is getting an S (satisfactory, = a A or B) in everything but spelling. She's 2% pts away from a S in spelling because she had a rough time the first test. She's been getting 9 our of 10 the last few weeks so that should be fine at the quarter. She leaves my car and runs for the building... turning around to blow me and her sister kisses on her way into the building. She knows many of the teachers and staff and when we pick her up she happily tells them bye and hugs the ones special to her.

She has grown a lot which is something I was hoping to see come from this, but I have grown and learned too. I've learned I'm worth saving. I'm worth getting healthy. I deserve to feel good and look nice. I don't need to be a certain size, but I do need to feel better about myself and to feel better physically. I sit and ponder the shape I was in last winter and spring and I'm amazed at how far I've come. I love my Y time. I'm loving my bike rides. I'm enjoying the kiddos more now. I am keeping up with them better now.

I feel like I've been given a great gift to get my life back and make it better than it ever was. I'm grateful.

I have a jeans problem again!!! And it's a GOOD thing!!!

I went to Kohl's with a really good friend of mine and tried on a pair of pants in the size I am wearing now... can wear my old clothes in that size and need a few more items. So, I proudly take my jeans in 2 sizes down from my biggest size into the dressing room and they didn't fit!!! I was THRILLED. Here is the story...

In the past when I was smaller I always had problems with jeans fitting my hips and butt but being WAY too big in the waist. I would wear a belt and STILL the jeans would gap at the waist! I didn't notice at the time but when I got to my biggest my pants fit all over, waist, hips and butt. I was no longer pear shaped. I was an apple. This is a BAD shape to be because it's pretty much a sure thing if you carry a ton of belly fat you will end up diabetic.

So, when those jeans fit my hips and butt but NOT my waist, I knew this was a VERY GOOD THING!! I'll be trying on my old Right Fit jeans from Fashion Bug, but they may still be too small... and if so, I'll buy some in my size to get me through. I'm totally thrilled!!

Spiritual type post...

I had intended to blog more about my spiritual growth but I've not been in a Bible study in a while (mine starts up 9/29 on Wed nights). I am loving the SS series on 1 and 2 Corinthians. Today was on forgiveness and as usual, the lesson has me thinking. I am in a situation where I feel I have forgiven but the circumstances dictate that I always be mindful of the offense. This is vague on purpose. I struggle with wondering if this is true forgiveness and the conclusions I have come to are these:

*I no longer harbor anger and bitterness towards the person who has offended me.
*I'm not uncomfortable being in the person's presence and having contact with the person.
*I don't wish the person ill will in any way.
*I don't constantly feel like I could throw up from anxiety regarding this person and situation.

Considering the situation is a sin, and a sin that hurt many people I feel like I am doing very well in regards to letting go. BUT... the circumstances dictate a forever watchful eye and caution. I feel like because this is not destroying me, and because I can honestly say I love and care for this person that I have let go... but it's a matter I keep in prayer about. If you read this, and don't "get it" that's alright... if you want to pray just pray for an unspoken need for my family. <3

I can honestly say God has taught me a lot about letting go and knowing He is God and He has EVERYTHING in His hands.

Officially down TWO sizes!!

I lost .6 this week, and I was actually happy I lost. I wasn't sure how it would go this week (see yesterday's post)

The best thing is yesterday my capris in a size smaller fit me, and I thought it could have been a fluke but now some dress pants in the same size fit me. I feel great!!

Carb creep...

Well, I weighed this morning and I'm up 2 pounds!!! WHAT?!?! I do not get it... wait. I do. Carb creep. When you begin adding some carbs if you are not careful about what kind before you know it you are eating too many. A couple times this week I've had white flour tortillas (snack wraps from DQ and McD) and I ate some of the kids chicken nuggets... all these things are made with white flour and are therefore not that good for me. I learned my lesson. It's time to go back to getting salads when out ALL the time again. I can throw the croutons on the McD caesar salad to get some carby-goodness.... but eating all of these white flour carbs this often has not been good. Of course I could be ok by tomorrow's weigh in... but I'm not sure.

It bothers me that I may be up because for one I didn't always make the best choices. And for two, I worked out 4 days this week!!!!! I did the elliptical anywhere from 20-40 minutes, most days 25-30! I was going to go to the Y this morning but my knee was hurting some (it's better now, thanks to morning meds, Humira shot last night and some Motrin). If I get home in time from the ladies tea room meetup (sunday school class) I may go to the Y this evening. I do not want to get into the habit of putting weight on when I have about 83 more pounds to lose!!!! I don't like the backward steps! :(

Saggy pants!

The other day Gabby told me to pull up my pants. I said they WERE pulled up... so she says "then why is the butt hanging down??" LOL!!!!! She said, "I guess because you lost weight mommy! Now you need to go shopping for new pants!" ha ha!

I'm noticing most of my pants are saggy in the behind. VERY excited. Soon I'll be able to go down another size. I tried on some old pants in the smaller size and they looked a tad vulgar... they did zip, and this is without laying on my bed and putting my feet on the headboard (am I the *only* one?). They were TOO tight to look nice, but they FIT! I was telling my RA doc's assistant and she says to me... "now now girl, you can't wear those then. don't want to tempt the brethren!" hahahahaha!!! We died laughing.

My husband has lost about 30lbs and the other day his boss told him he was looking good!!! And this is a GUY... who would have thought! His work shirts and pants are getting huge. He's afraid that soon he will be embarrassed because his gun belt will pull down his pants! haha!

The other day the RA doc recommended I write about how I feel and the changes I see. I told her I already had a blog. I am glad I started doing that on this blog. Lately I have been rocking the elliptical. I have done 25-40 minutes every time I go to the gym for the last couple weeks. :D I am counting on it to shrink my behind. LOL!

Made an appointment to learn the "scary stuff in the back of the fitness center"!

aka, free weights and such. I saw my buddy Joe the Y trainer when I came in to work out with a friend I hadn't seen in forever (Thanks for coming Kelli!). So, I tell him... I want you to show me the "other stuff in the back of the fitness center" so I can add some variety to my workouts. He says he doesn't want to see me get bored... because I might stop coming. Not bored yet... loving my workouts... but, I want to be prepared and I feel like I can do that stuff back there now.

It's funny, but I'm starting to see myself as a fit person... and you know only fit people use that stuff back in the free weight area... hahaha!

Down 32 pounds as of this morning!!!!!

I am very, very happy. :D I feel AWESOME... still pain from RA here and there but overall really, really feeling great.

I see my RA doctor tomorrow morning. Can't wait to see what she has to say about my weight loss! also, should be able to wean off of prednisone... another try. I'm down 32lbs since the last attempt, so it should go a lot better! I bet I drop a load of weight once that is out of my system!!!!

So, most likely, with the RA dr and PTO mtg tomorrow, there will be no Y time :( I'm actually SAD!!!! If the meeting is over by 7:30 I may go do some cardio... hmm. If not that's ok. I will work out Tues-Fri mornings. I have a dentist appt Tues at 1:15 but I can work out in the morning so that isn't a big deal. As long as I get in 4 times a week I'll be happy.

Hopefully my hubby will put the new innertubes on my bike this week. He's been out of town this weekend. I can always go for a half hour ride in the evening if I don't make it to the gym in the daytime. Looking forward to this.

I still fight not wanting to move much but I can tell gradually I'm moving more and more active... it's not so hard to move around as it was 32lbs ago!!!! :D

It has happened. I'm SCARED!

Before anyone gets worried... here is the ugly truth.

I. LIKE. EXERCISING.

Weird, huh?? I didn't expect this. I went in today, did 20 min each on elliptical and bike, and my upperbody machines. I upped weights on a couple and it was HARD but I did it. The previous weights they were on were too easy! :D And I liked it!!! Sometimes after a workout I get this odd urge to go "WOO!" after it's over.

I. Need. Help.

This from the person who was used to sitting ALL DAY LONG. This from the person with extensive joint damage from RA. Now, I still have trouble walking for long periods, grasping things, etc... BUT... things are looking up and I like moving!

What has happened to me?

Some observations about how I'm feeling better...

I have noticed over the last several weeks that I enjoy walking down to pick my oldest up from the bus stop. Out road is probably 3-4 tenths of a mile long and on bad days there is no way I could walk it... however, on days when Ruthie is awake we walk it after school to get G off the bus.

Also, I've noticed in general I stand more often when at gatherings or outside... and I am enjoying being outside a lot more now too. It's nice to realize that I'm interested in being a little more active in general.

I don't nap as much now. I did nap Sat am and this afternoon too, but we've had a marathon weekend of family gatherings with my in-laws because my SIL and her fam we re in town. We had a great time but we're all exhausted! :D Overall though, I'm not finding that I'm dying for naps like I used to be.

Yesterday I took my bike with a leaking back tire for a 2 mi ride. I thought it was getting harder and harder to pedal but thought it was me being a wimp... no... hubby confirmed this am it was a bad tire. BOO! I'm actually upset about this because I'd love to have the option of riding in the evenings even though I'm working out in the mornings. I find myself being a little cranky when I CAN'T exercise. It's weird, and nice all at the same time.

Lost 0.6 yesterday at regular weigh-in.

I thought I wasn't going to lose AT ALL, but I did lose .6 lbs this week. I'm down another .2 this morning. I may need to lock the scale so I don't weigh every day and stress myself out but sometimes I think it helps me to weigh more often. I really don't want my ultimate goal to be a certain weight, rather a feeling of health and well being. Still, it's hard not to keep thinking of that certain # and think that I'm approx 85lbs away still.

Where I am now... 8/31/10

Wow, I look at this picture and can't help but think I have so far to go, but yet I see that my neck is visible now, my fat roll that rested on top of these cutoffs is gone (same pants in this pic and in before pic...), the red shirt in the before pic is huge and one size larger than this purple shirt... and, I should be able to downsize the top again soon even... the pants FIT now and don't hurt me to wear them.

It happens so gradually that you don't really comprehend how big you are until you look back and see for yourself!!! So thankful my journey is successful, and I'm going to keep it that way!

Hope this works... me in April 2010 before the journey.

Testing... this is my before shot. April 2010. I was so very sad then, and feel so much better now. Will get another shot today...

I've made it to 30.2 pounds off today!

I am thrilled to be able to say I'm down 30.2lbs! I really love South Beach Diet. I have to say no to some foods I love but it is worth it because I feel wonderful, my diabetic husband feels wonderful... I'm a lot less tired, and just plain feel GREAT!

This week I add in some carbs. I'm going to try really hard to only add something in once a day and see how my loss is in a week doing that. I'd love to keep losing 3lbs a week until I hit goal, but it's not practical for me to keep going with this diet long term. I'm afraid if I never get to have fruits/breads I may get to the place where I cheat and binge on things. Not going there!!

Planning to work out today, Monday, Wednesday and Thursday. :) My dad retires after 44yrs on Tues so we're all going to that and then a lunch after. So... no working out. :)

A plan for my workouts.

I have a plan for my workouts that will get me to the gym 4-5 days a week and work everything I need to work. I'll stick with it until I get bored, then I will hit up Joe the Y trainer for more ideas.

Monday/Wednesday--warmup on bike or treadmill, 10 minutes. Go through all upper body machines 2x, 10 reps each time. As the weight feels "easy" increase it by 5 and keep going w/ that until it gets easy them move up again. After the weight machines, elliptical or cross trainer for 20-30 minutes. I may throw in a walk on the treadmill after that as a cool down when my ankle allows.

Tuesday/Friday--same as Monday but throw in lower body machines instead of upper body machines.

Thursday will be my "day off" when there is a bible study I want to attend on a Thursday morning, or I will attend a class. I'm trying Zumba this week. If you haven't heard of it, google Zumba and check it out. I have seen it but can't give a good explanation. If I don't like Zumba and don't find any other classes, I will just do some cardio.

What helps me keep going is upbeat music and changing it up. Some days I listen to my workout list which is a Jock Jams CD or some fast Christian music. When I do a long time on the bike, I listen to a Beth Moore podcast. I listened to tobyMac today and it was awesome for keeping me going.

Now, I had thoughts of doing ALL the machines 3 days, or 2 days and only doing Cardio the other ones to make those days shorter but Joe recommended I do weights every day but alternate what I do. He said working with the weights increases your metabolism for 24-36 hours after because your body is rebuilding the muscle. Well, as a heavy chick, I'm going to test this out because it sounds fabulous!!

Looking in the Mirror

I thought of something else that has change for me since the start of my journey back in April of this year. I didn't even think about it at the time. Be forewarned, this might make me sound vain.

I just left my room after getting dressed (got my post workout shower) and I put on a pair of shorts I got from a friend who has lost over 100 pounds and gone from a size 26 to a size 8 (I think. She might be smaller, maybe a 6?). I bought some of her plus size clothes one size down recently. There was a pair of shorts I've worn once before but they were a tiny bit uncomfortable, but wearable. I'm proud to say they are comfortable today! I put them on and looked in the mirror. Caught myself smiling. I enjoyed looking into the mirror because I can see my changing body, and I can see my progress right in front of me. I'm beyond proud right now. My stomach is flatter.

The other day I went to Hobby Lobby with Ruthie and she asked to go down the mirror aisle. This is normally an aisle I avoid at all costs, or, if I find myself there, I have to hold in the tears should I catch a glimpse of myself... especially from the side... as my waist even through the gain--from the front is slimmer than my hips. But turn me to the side and WOAH! Well, the other day I walked down the aisle proudly looking at my smaller, healthier figure.

More on emotion and weight

I began losing weight in April 2010 (4/11 was my first weigh in). I'm not yet going to divulge where I was then, but it was bigger than when I delivered my youngest daughter. I was at an all time low self-esteem wise. I had been put on blood pressure meds and our old church was starting a Biggest Loser program. So, I signed up. We changed churches partway thru, but I kept going for the most part (there were several weeks I maintained bc I didn't watch things, but not gaining is a big deal for me!!).

As I got thinner, er... lost weight.... I'm not thin by any stretch of the imagination... I noticed I started wearing makeup more often. I would think to myself... "hey, I should start wearing makeup regularly again". Before I would put it on only for church--to put on a happy face and pretend I didn't feel trapped in my own body. But I was wearing it most days. One day I was in Walmart and thought I might like to check out the jewelery. I NEVER wear necklaces or bracelets but there I was buying a necklace. I felt pretty again. It was nice to feel like I could care about myself because I was actually taking care of my body and feeding it the right things for once. I got the necklace home and put it on. My older daughter came in and asked why I bought it and was wearing it (I NEVER wear necklaces!). I said it made me feel pretty to wear it and she said, "mommy, you do look pretty with it on". I told her it's nice to do things like this for yourself once in a while... get something little and special.

Today I made it to 27lbs lost. I'm still too heavy, and I realize this but I'm working on it. But, I feel like the person who's been trapped inside is coming back out. I'm smiling more, and feeling more secure in myself. I find myself talking to more people because I FEEL good... feel better about myself. I used to believe people I didn't know yet didn't want to know me so why bother. I know now that yes, I'm lighter, but all along I did have value because God sees me as His child and He doesn't make mistakes. But being heavy makes one feel they have no worth or value to people.

I have two daughters, 3.5 and 7. I hope and pray they see my journey as a journey to health and not a journey to being skinny. I DO want to look nice, but feeling better and being able to do more are the main goals for me. I remind them that yes, mommy is getting smaller but the main thing is mommy is treating her body better by eating better and working out.

I think as you gain weight, the things you stop doing for yourself just happen so gradually that you don't see it until you get it together and lose some... then it's like "oh, I used to like to look nice!" and I deserved it then, but I REALLY feel like I deserve it now.

I am loving feeling better about myself again. I am feeling like a new woman already.

Some deep things on my mind... an attempt to educate the skinny folk.

It is hard to put into words the emotions that go along with being heavy, losing weight, etc. And for people who have never been obese it probably seems impossible to them to comprehend how someone "like me" can be heavy. I'm smart. I know a lot about nutrition. I understand how to lose weight. So, many people probably wonder, why be so heavy? Why let yourself get into the obese category? I'm not totally sure, but I'm doing a lot of reflecting.

1. It's EASY to get heavy. It takes thought and work to stay healthy. "Bad" foods are cheaper and easier for the most part. If you go into an Aldi, most of what's there is processed crap with no nutritional value, and it's super cheap... NOW anyway. In the long run, it's more expensive in the way of bigger clothes, medications needed for weight related problems, and early health trouble. You can drive through Jack in the Box for example, and get 2 tacos for a dollar. CHEAP! It doesn't take much thought to eat willy-nilly and have whatever you want when you want it.

2. When you get really heavy, you think that is who you are and who you always will be. I know it's nuts but I basically accepted my status as a "fat chick" and when I would get down about it, well, why not eat something... which makes it keep going... vicious circle.

3. When you are heavy you feel worthless. Its sad to say but as a "fat chick" I can tell that people look me up and down and make a judgement. Even some family members which hurts the most. Most are just ultra supportive but sometimes I can FEEL the eyes and the nasty thoughts. You feel like you are worth nothing because you are fat, so why bother working on it? You figure no one cares much because you are just a "fat person" and have little value. I actually remember thinking I would always be fat so why bother trying to change things. What's the point if I'm just going to get fat again and disappoint everyone anyway.

4. When you share with people you love and care about that you are dieting, some see that as license to harass you over every single food choice. I was counting calories and was asked many times why I was eating XYZ. I would explain I count my cals, and budgeted for it. Also, some folks seem to think diets are a pain when they go to cook for you, and you feel like it's stupid to stay on program when someone claims it's hard to feed you (this moreso with the low carb phase 1 of South Beach). I can always bring my own foods, I do NOT mind at all! But please, if you offer to cook something for me when I'm on a restrictive part of a eating plan, don't go on and on about "oh you cant have this or that" and act like it's so horrible to cook for me. Tell me to bring my own food. It makes me feel like I shouldn't bother eating right because you act like it's so hard!

5. A big one for me is my arthritis. I get down emotionally about it and there are times I just give up completely because life is so hard when one is in pain. No one can understand every day pain unless they have lived it. It takes a toll mentally and physically. I am aware of the fact I need to excercise but it's not helpful to be harassed about that when I can't walk around the house without crying. Just sayin.

Onto another post about some of the emotions I'm working through...

Oh Happy Day! What a Happy, Happy Day! ...

when I lost 5 pounds... in my first week low carb again... ok, so I never claimed to be good at singing OR songwriting.

I got on the scale this morning... 5 lbs down in one week!!! Never felt hungry... ate a little too much fat some days but South Beach is very restrictive the first 2 weeks and you do nuts/cheese for snacks, veggies and meats... eggs... so, when I would get hungry I would grab cheese or nuts. I know going hungry is not an option!! Oh, and sugar free jello.

This brings my total loss to 27 pounds since 4/11/10. My ultimate goal is to be at 180 by 12/31/11. That is a long way off... BUT... First I'm going for 3 more lbs to have an even 30lb loss.

Another week of phase 1 this week.... getting bored with my food but loving how I'm feeling. 4 days (at least) of workouts planned this week!!

Slacking!

I'm NOT slacking on my SBD or working out, just not getting it posted so now I don't remember anything... LOL. I might just post if I try a really yummy recipe. I guess in the beginning I was always heavier than him... but STILL! I know the point is to get healthier, and feel better.... not to focus on the scale #s but I can't help but be frustrated by that. grrr....

I'm down 4.4 so far this week. Technically Monday is weigh day because I started SBD on Monday but I normally weigh on Sundays. I'll probably do both. LOL If the 4.4 holds it will be 26.4 pounds lost since April. I wasn't always serious about it all the way thru... but I'm proud of that loss. I do feel better already, too. I'm also under a "10" mark so it was nice to go into a different set of numbers.

I am hoping to be at my goal (180) by next year's end. That will be a total of 20 months for me to get there since I started in April 2010. I can tell my face is thinner from looking at pics taken before I lost the weight I've lost.

So, I choose to be happy for where I've gotten instead of annoyed with my husband. LOL!

SBD Day 3, workout 8/18/10

OK, so here is my food

Breakfast: eggs with a little colby jack cheese and a few bacon bits, milk

Lunch: salad with grilled chicken, ranch dressing, little bit of cheese, SF jello

Dinner: (I'm embarrassed, but I'll be honest) Almonds and a glass of milk, and a cheese stick. We had swim lessons for both girls and I was too tired to cook. The girls and Charles had leftovers. He took R home after her lesson, fed her, then got Gabby's dinner for me while I collapsed with my almonds and milk. :O

Snacks: both nuts, peanuts and almonds... so... too many servings of nuts, but they are a FAST snack... :O

Workout... rode bike 30 minutes. I'm meeting with the trainer to learn the lower body machines and do my cardio in the am. :)

Workout 8/17/10

I'm going to post about my workouts, maybe not every time I go, but just sometimes so I can look back and see where my fitness level was.

Cardio: 20 minutes Cybex cross trainer, 20 minutes exercise bike
Strength training: upper body machines... 12 reps each one

I have an appt Thursday morning with the trainer, Joe... he is super awesome... a retired health teacher. He has a great knowledge of the machines and how to safely use each one... and how to deal with health conditions and the machines and such. I really like him.

SBD Day 2, aka, Gabby's first day of school!

Well, to those who might come across this who do not know me, we were homeschooling until this fall. We decided to send Gabby to school (2nd grade) so I could work more on my health goals. I have a sizable amount of weight to lose, and with me developing high blood pressure recently, and my arthritis being ok sometimes and not others, homeschooling plus working out all of it just can't happen for me at once. We decided me being alive and healthy was ultimately more important than homeschooling. Anyway, she had a wonderful first day. :)

Now for my food. Ate on plan, but didn't eat enough I'm thinking...

Breakfast: meatballs with provolone cheese (ha! didn't want eggs again)

Snack: none (oops... will pack some nuts in am to take with me to snack on after my workouts)

Lunch: turkey and cheese on lettuce leaves, and SF popsicle... (I am NOT hungry... it's baffling that I'm already feeling not hungry after 1 day LCing it...)

Snack: probably nuts, since I didn't have any this morning...

Dinner: grilled chicken breast with some kind of seasoning, salad... not sure what else...

SBD Day 1

Today is the first day of SBD. Here is what I'm eating....

Breakfast: eggs sprinkled with bacon bits and cheese. (should add a veggie, but I'm full... sooo)

Lunch: McD's Caesar salad w/grilled chicken, no croutons

Dinner: meatballs with spaghetti sauce (leftovers we NEED to eat, will do w/o bread or pasta tho), topped with provolone cheese... broccoli and salad on the side

Snacks: 20 peanuts, celery w/Ranch dressing...

I need to pick up cheese sticks for quick snacks too, and a few other odds and ends. We've got a list going and will hit the store in the next day or two.

Stocked up on SBD foods....

I went to Aldi and stocked up on foods we can eat on SBD. So far I'm making up meal ideas in my head. Breakfasts for me will be eggs with cheese, possibly veggies or some bacon bits sprinkled on (very few, just enough for flavor). I'll do snacks of cheese sticks (darn, forgot to buy those. need to go to the store tomorrow), nuts, and veggies. Lunches will most likely be salads, whether chicken salad in a lettuce leaf, a regular salad with some kind of meat on top, or something salad. For dinners we have lean beef we can make, tilapia, chicken breasts... and I'm sure there's more in the freezer... I got fresh green beans to make this week too since we all love them. Sugar free popsicles will help us get a "fruit fix" since for the next two weeks we cannot do fruits. I got peanuts and pistachios for snacking. Pistachios are awesome because they take effort to eat and are super yummy... helps with the salty cravings I get. I'm sure I will have to run back to the store mid week to be sure we have enough to make it, but we should be pretty well set. Planning on a taco salad (no tortillas, just salad w/taco meat) too. We've got left over meatballs from meatball subs this weekend, so we'll do those with cheese on top (bread for the girls too) with salad or something. I can't let that go to waste, but we can watch how much sauce we get when we dish ours up and it will help.

Tomorrow is it! I'll post what we end up eating in case it helps anyone.

If you read this, please let me know

I would LOVE to know if anyone is reading along with me. I am trying so hard to blog about my progress here instead of driving all of Facebook world nuts. ;) I'd love to know someone is out there besides CSK. ;)

Embarking on a South Beach Diet Journey

My husband was diagnosed as diabetic a couple years ago. For a while he was pre-diabetic and he was able to get things normal with diet. After a while the numbers were higher and he was declared diabetic and put on Metformin. He has struggled with this. I guess it's much like my experience with weight loss. The denial that "it's not that bad" or "I only ate a little of XYZ" or "I will watch my diet next week". Anyone who has done the weight loss game knows all of the excuses. And he's scared, frustrated, etc.

So, to help him, and myself, we're going low-carb with South Beach Diet again. The first two weeks are the hardest. You only eat veggies, meats, cheese, and some nuts (sparingly). This means if I take the girls to play at that clown restauraunt my options are salad, salad or salad. This is not a bad thing. I can still eat so much crap even when calorie counting. We're starting Monday to give us time to get things into/out of the house and make meal plans.

I did South Beach about 5 years or so ago when Gabby was 2 and I got 20lbs away from my ultimate goal. I guess at that point I felt I had arrived, I was "done", so I stopped caring. Stopped working out because at the time I had pre-paid for Curves and there was no childcare. I was home all summer with G and it was hard to workout and take her. Bleh. Membership ran out after a year and I just fell into my old patterns again.

Now, I have my husband and he has me for accountability. I have a new friend who has completed her weight loss journey and is on a maintaining journey. I have a friend who works out in O'Fallon I can meet up with and a friend who comes to Collinsville to work out so there is no reason I can't keep up a routine when I have positive folks around me to help.

I think I will post about our dinners here too, in case someone else needs LC ideas. My family is going to do this together.

Things are not going too well....

I'm really down. I got to the gym one day the week we were sick... and with missing my RA shot the next week was a wash too. Right now we're doing tons of stuff before Gabby starts school next Tuesday and I basically have not made it to the Y in ages as a result.

Later today Ruthie has swim lessons so I'm going to at the very least ride a bike if my ankle is still hurting like it is now. I went on a new RA med that has caused gas and bloating and my tummy is all puffy. I know I've had a gain but I did not weigh because I know I've got bloating and weighing right now will depress me--cycle due to start any day now too. I do need to weigh Sunday though, because I need to know where I'm at.

This is the point in the process where I give up because I get discouraged about the whole weight loss process. I had lunch with a new friend yesterday who has lost 100lbs and it was a good kick in the butt. I'm still struggling to see myself as a "fit person" too. Back at it later today though... must do it!

Sickies hit us...

my oldest was dx with strep... and now I'm sick. Haven't been to the Y since last Friday night. :( Hoping my abx kick in and I can workout tomorrow.

YAY!!! My husband is on his way home!!

It's been a long two weeks. Charles was in KY for the last 2 weeks for the army. I'm so thankful he is coming home and so thankful it wasn't longer. I know I'm very fortunate that he has never done a long term deployment (he is in the army reserve). I did my workouts while he was gone but we always go out to eat *a lot* when he isn't here and I've pretty much done myself in when it comes to weight loss these last 2 weeks.

I got some more protein shake powder so I'm going to start drinking those in the mornings again. It's fast, filling, and helps me get my protein in so I am more satisfied and eat less overall. When I was most successful I was drinking one a day, I had more energy too. When I start a day with a ton of carbs like I've done the last 2 weeks I eat much much more because I'm not as satisfied. I also let regular soda creep back into my diet. That is a huge calorie waste!!! So that's going to go now again. I've seen yet again how it takes up all my calories and makes me eat over my limit, and then I do not lose weight. NOT WORTH IT!

Seeing myself get back into those habits is pretty depressing. I don't want to keep feeling bad and being unhealthy. I know if I do what I've always done, I will get what I've always gotten before. Time to be different.

Maintaining...

not losing. Bleh. I know why... eating out too much with my husband out of town. I do feel a lot better now that I've been working out 3-4 times a week for a few weeks again. Tonight the girls swim lessons were cancelled so I did 20 min on the Arc Trainer (kind of like an elliptical) and 30 min on the stationary bike. Also my weight machines. :) I know when my husband is back home we will be in a more normal pattern again and not eating out so much. :O We did have Quiznos today, and the calorie counts were shocking!!! So, it is a good thing I did a ton of cardio. :P

Back where I was now...

I lost a full lb this week so I'm back at my lowest weight again. :) My husband has been out of town, and we were barely home, so this is pretty good. This week we will be home more so it will be MUCH easier to watch my calories and choose better food. I did a lot of grab and go eating this week.

Planning on 3 days at the Y again. :D

Before I Eat -- Anita Renfroe

A friend from high school works at the Y I go to most often and she made a comment about someone sabotaging her by giving her a donut... so I thought of this video... had to post. Hope you all like it...

Before I Eat -- Anita Renfroe

Doing a bit better this week....

I've had a lot going on this week and have been running around too much. I've managed to lost .5 of the pound I gained last week but I know if I had been more careful I would have been down the whole pound plus some. That's ok. Tomorrow is my real weigh day so I will see how it goes then.

I've worked out 3 times this week and as long as we're not all way too hot and icky feeling from the t-ball game I'll pop into the Y to do one more cardio day. I've been using this Cybex machine for cardio and I really like it. It's sort of like an elliptical but my heels don't come up off the foot rests so it's not as bad for my ankle. I can easily do almost 25 minutes on it... well easily when it comes to my pain not easily when it comes to my physical ability... I sweat buckets but I actually enjoy doing it. I've gotten weird!!! LOL.

Gained a pound...

and I'm lucky it wasn't worse between the monthly bloating and not getting to the gym and counting everyday. Obviously my old ways were not working for me, eh? Back to the gym MWF this week and maybe even Thurs evening.... Last 2 t-ball games on Tues eve and Sat am... kids start swimming on Wed... but I'm going to get there for sure MWF am and make a good attempt to be there Thur pm. May go Friday at 6:30 to try Zumba since I didn't make it this past Fri.

Back at it!!!!!

Charles's folks gave me peaches, green beans, corn on the cob, blackberries (not my fav, freezing them for Charles).... I need to get the green beans cooked up and we can eat on them this week. YUM.

Yucky week!!!

I have made it to the gym ONE TIME this week! Bleh! Thursday night we didn't go and opted for a family night--my husband has his army annual training and soon he'll be away for a bit, so we wanted to be together some because I had plans to go to Zumba Friday night--but, I ended up with horrible make-you-fold-in-half menstrual cramps and nausea, so I stayed home. I am still waiting on the cycle to start. I have not been counting this week much either. I'm down 1lb this morning but I am betting I will be up tomorrow. That is okay. I have had a rough week in a lot of ways and I have learned being prepared with easy to grab foods will make all the difference should I run this much in a week again.

I can also see how when school starts, I will have a much better time of it. I'll have to drop Gabby off by 8:40 and I can head right over to the Y every morning besides Thursday morning which I plan to reserve for Bible study--though I may just go Wed night since we'll be up at church for AWANA anyhow. I figure I can make it to the gym 4 mornings a week and save the other one for either Bible study or grocery shopping.

Next week Gabby has camp, so I'm thinking since I'll be out I should be able to go at least 3 mornings. Tuesday and Thursday are spoken for but that leaves 3 other mornings and I could go in the evenings if needed. Time to get back on it and accomplish my goal of getting healthier!

I think I get it now...

I woke up this morning cramping horribly so my cycle is near. No wonder I'm craving salt and sugar and feeling bloated... of course some bloat is from the bad food lately. Blech. This would also explain the crabbiness. LOL. I'm up 2lbs today, part bloat, part not following my plan.... but we're going to the gym tonight, and tomorrow night, and then next wk I can get back to normal routine again with the gym. This week has just been nuts!!

Having a hard time getting back on track...

Today we were gone all day and all evening. So, I did too much on the go eating. I plan to get veggies and keep them around cut up so they are easily grabbed and taken for snacks. That will help immensely. Also, I didn't get to the grocery store thanks to the tire mishap, so I was low on food good for lunches. So, poor planning and prep led to us eating at the Children's Hospital cafe. I figure if I can learn as much as I can from my mistakes it will ultimately help me to do better in the long term.

I haven't made it to the gym since Monday night!!!! GRRR.... I actually miss it and want to go... tomorrow night will have to do as I'm busy all morning and afternoon. If Charles went in later I could work out first thing, which would be awesome on busy days, but I can't. The Y opens at 5 and a lot of mornings he leaves at 5:30. No way to really get a good workout in and make it home in time to not break the law by leaving my nearly 7 and 3.5yo old daughters alone at home.

I can already see that once school starts I'll be much better able to get in a routine but that is not going to keep me from getting back to my MWF mornings next week.

I also learned in the last few days that I'm really falling short on protein... and when that happens the carbs creep back in. So, I'm going to be more intentional about making sure I get the protein in. Also water--with being on the go I had a mega diet dr pepper, and a mega diet mtn dew... and my ankles are puffy thanks to not enough water and too much saly from food on the go.

If I'm going to succeed I need to plan much better. I will. I am learning from these mistakes.

WHY?? Emotional eating... WHY??

So this morning we set out to go grocery shopping. The plan was to get groceries, come home and clean and then put them away. I left later than I planned on, and noticed the tire pressure light on the dash. Charles had told me it was on the other day and I assumed he took care of it because it wasn't on the last time I drove the car. I'm going down the frontage road and realize my car is driving funny. I pulled into a parking lot and see the tire is noticeably flat. I decide to go to a gas station, get gas (almost out) and air up the tire. I aired it up (75 cents?!? for AIR???) and decide I need to get it looked at because it probably wasn't safe to drive on very far, and I knew tomorrow I had to take Ruthie to the allergist in the morning.

So, I call Dobbs and they say it might be a few hours but they can get me in. Thankfully, my mom could come to get us and take us to the Burger King nearby which has a playland. We waited over 2 hours and then I called, they estimated another hour until they could get it in and finish it. So we sat a while longer then she took me to Dobbs and it was ready within 10 minutes of our arrival.

WHEW! So, I still needed milk, and Tide detergent. So, we run over to Target, by now we're hot, crabby and just plain TIRED. Got my stuff and decided to take the kids to QT for a slushie. I tell myself I'm getting a diet soda. I guess I was annoyed at how my day went and I sabotaged my diet for the day with some chips and soda. WHY?? I cannot tell you. Because now I feel awful for doing it. I am annoyed at myself. I know the food wouldn't make my troubles go away but I wanted it.

I also found out in the course of the day that I have eye dr appts in the afternoon for both girls. Thankfully they are at Children's in the afternoon so we can do the allergist and then go over to the eye center. I'm disapointed in how my day tomorrow is going to be too. I know being sad over tomorrow being insane didn't help me this afternoon. So, I'm going to leave tomorrow at 9am, and most likely since the last dr appt is at 2, I may not even be home before rush hour. I'm dreading it!!!

Rebellion? Food addiction? I am not sure what to call it but for some reason I could not be strong any longer. Somehow in these situations I must reach within myself and find strength. And, it's not worth it to drink that many calories. So not worth it. :(

Anyone who's successfully stopped emotional eating, I'd love feedback. I need to find something that helps me get through the times. Part of me thinks going totally off Sunday was my problem because I had been a lot better with emotional eating until today. I guess my mind thinks it's ok because I did it Sunday and this morning I weighed the same.

I basically threw away my hard work!!!! If I don't watch it I'll be back where I started and I do NOT want to go back.

I'm about to tear up... somewhat emotional but in a good way!

First of all, I decided tonight it's time to work on doing the Elliptical. I've been working out enough that my endurance has gotten stronger so it was time to give it a go. When we first joined the Y in April, 5 minutes on that thing was too much.

I got on and gutted it out for 10 minutes, then did the weight machines. I went back and planned to do another 10, but made it 5 and almost quit. I pressed on another 3 and then stopped. I'm very very proud of myself for being able to do this!!!! I'm going to work up to 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer because it's an awesome calorie burn!

Also, here is the emotional part. I went out to sit at the table in the Y foyer because Charles went to get the girls from child care. As I sat down I noticed I was able to get into the chair easily. I stood up when we left and the chair didn't come with me. I'm crying now. These are things you take for granted until you are overweight, and depressed and down about yourself. It was amazing to me to already see a change like that in my body.

When I get this weight off, I'm going back to Silver Dollar City and I'm riding that ride I was too big for last summer. I WILL DO IT!!!

Great day yesterday...

and I know I ate too much. I'm up 2lbs today but I know I ate a ton of salt. :P I want to keep eating without caring but that is what got me into the unhappy place so that is not an option. We're going over to my mom's today, and she's getting pizza, so it's time to log into SparkPeople.com and figure up what I'm eating before I get there. At some point I hope to be free from calorie counting. *sigh* Until then this is how it needs to be if I am going to learn how to eat within healthy limits.

First holiday celebration since really committing to change...

and I've decided to enjoy food today. I'm going to listen to my body when it says "you're full, STOP" but I'm not going to track today. Just today I'm going to take the day off from counting. The difference is, I've told myself it's right back to tracking tomorrow and this is not going to derail me. In the past a holiday would come and it would be the beginning of the end of my weight loss until the next time I decided to start.

I have to think about this in a new way if I am going to finally break free from being overweight and be successful at weight loss for life. One day will not break me if that is all it is... one day.

Down 4.6 this week!!

VERY happy. I need to remember sticking to plan is good for me even if I don't see a big loss on the scale. My husband just informed me he lost 4lbs from where he was the last time he weighed weeks ago. Men don't seem to have the fight to get it off like we do, at least not my man. He can watch his cals and will drop weight like crazy!! But that doesn't diminish my accomplishment this week, and he needs to lose too.

I am on BP meds but he is on meds for Type 2 Diabetes, so we both need to be on this journey together.

This brings my total loss to 21.4!!! Woot-woot! I'm admitting a lot here when I say 8 more lbs to have lost 10% of my body weight. I have also passed my first mini-goal of 20lbs, next is the 10% and then after that the 40lbs off. :)

Today is the 4th of July and I've decided to not go insane with food, but to enjoy what is there to eat and not stress over counting. I will eat whatever veggies are available and try to make most of my food out of veggies but I'm not going to go nuts counting.

Happy 4th!

Hopped on the scale...

because I can'r stand waiting until Sunday. I'm down exactly 20.5 pounds. I'm very happy about that. This means I've lose 3.5 this week. I'd LOVE to lose that much weekly!!!!

Perhaps the best thing lately is the message at the Beth Moore conference really got me thinking about how I just didn't love myself. I kept thinking once I lost the 95 more lbs that I would then. But, I need to love myself and care NOW. I felt for a long time that all people saw when they looked at me was FAT lady. They still might, because I am still overweight, but I don't CARE anymore. I know who God thinks I am and that is all that matters. I am sure I'll still battle with this but for the first time in a long time I feel I am worth it... I am worth losing the weight and fighting the fight to get healthier.

Last one for today... girls and body image

I talked to Gabby (almost 7) Sunday about my need to get healthy. I told her mommy wasn't so concerned with looking a certain way as she was about feeling better and doing more fun things with her and her sister. I am hoping in all of this she doesn't learn looking a certain way is the important thing--it's not... but feeling good and being healthy is the goal.

I want us all to make better food choices and be more active but I don't want my daughters obsessed with their body image at their present ages or at any age... they are 3.5 and almost 7.

The other day Gabby was whining about going to the Y "again". I reminded her mommy needs to get healthy and feel better and this is how it's going to happen. Any thoughts on how to help my girls build a healthy self image? :O I do pray they don't inherit my weight struggle but me being on this path should really help with that!!!

Imago Dei

Perhaps the real kick in the butt came this past weekend at the Beth Moore Living Proof Live event. You might think it was the uncomfy chair, yes that was part of it... not fitting in the arena chairs makes one want to lose weight for sure!! But... it was the content of the sessions by Beth Moore that really got me thinking it is TIME... high time I work on my body... my attitude towards my body... and my spiritual self too.

When the tragedy hit with my family, I felt a lot of shame. I buried shame in food. Lots of food. Food was always there, growing up I dealt with arthritis pain starting from the age of 5... I couldn't always "do stuff" but I could eat. Food was a constant in my life for comfort. I know in some ways I put food above God... instead of praising when happy, eat. Instead of weeping before the Lord in prayer when sad, eat. Now, I did pray and I did praise but food was what "made me feel good". Then I'd gain more and feel bad, so you guessed it, more food.

I know people looked at me and wondered why I would eat so much when I was so heavy... like "doesn't she get it? she needs to LOSE, not GAIN!!" But the mindset I was in was that I couldn't lose the weight, that I didn't deserve to lose it and I never would so why try. A sad place to be in for sure.

Anyway, back to Beth Moore. So, the whole weekend was all about Imago Dei... that we are made in God's image. He put us here to bear His image. Wear it to bear it... I think is what she said. God chose me before the foundation of the Earth to bear His image... He chose me, arthritis, glaucoma, limp, insecurities... all of that and He chose me. Not because I was "good enough" or "deserving enough" but because He loved me. I sat there over the weekend soaking it all up. God wants me... as a Believer, to bear His image. I am good enough, but only because Christ died for my sins. I can't be good enough without Him.

And the thing that really got to me this weekend was we have to CHOOSE to put on the new man and put off the old man, the flesh. I make a choice when I get up if I am going to live my live as a follower of Christ and believe Him when He says how He sees me... or if I am going to be down, condemn myself to failure, etc. I truly felt God telling me... "Do you see how I see you? Do you get it now? You are worth it--you were worth it to me..."

I know I DO deserve health, to be fit, to care for my temple. I deserve to put on the new "man" I am in Christ and show the world that its by His strength that I am who I am.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knit me together in my mother's womb. God called me, and His Son's sacrifice saved me. I am more than a conqueror.

Time to start blogging about my weight loss journey.

I've been overweight as long as I can remember. I have tried and failed to lose the weight so many times. I'll get close to my goal, figure I'm "done" and go off the eating plan. Not good. This time is going to be different. I started April 11th and have lost 20lbs to date. This is with a rebellious period in the middle too. So I know I can do this. It is time to work on ME... to get ME healthy and feeling better.

I'm going to the gym 3 times a week and going to throw in 1 or 2 more times as I have time... committing to 3 times right now. I'm tracking my calories on SparkPeople.com (I'm mrslmfuller).

I've recently met a new friend through another friend. Janelle has lost 100lbs and she "gets it". She knows how it feels to be obese and how hard it can be to unpack the emotions and feelings associated with being overweight. Where I'm at right now, I want to lose 95 more pounds. It is time to take care of myself.

I knew a year ago when we went to Branson it was time but I was not ready. We took the kids to SDC and I tried to get on this ride with Gabby. I could not buckle it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't fit in there. I wanted to run away and hide, and bawl but I didn't want my daughter to know how much it bothered me. A helpful teenager came up and said "I'll ride with her so she can ride..." While this was helpful at the same time it was humiliating. I started a brief diet then but it wasn't something I was determined to do. Eating crap was more important to me than feeling better.

My family went through (are still going through) a major trial. It's been going on since the end of November 09. Long story short I went on anti-depressants, saw a Christian counselor and in the process of learning to cope and live through this tragedy, I have grown closer to the Lord and learned a lot about myself too. I feel blessed to have a God that cares for me no matter how bitter and angry I had became, He was always there with open arms. Through the trial I gained 25-30lbs more on top of what I was carrying. I was taking food and putting it in God's place as my comfort.

I saw my GP back the end of March 2010. He knows our family so he understood my weight gain but told me... now it's time to work on losing the weight and feeling better. He told me my blood pressure was borderline high (now it is high, on meds) and it was time to change so I didn't have more health related problems. I went on SparkPeople.com's diet and have counted off and on but mostly on. I'm 20lbs down and I'm hoping to lose the other 95 by the end of 2011. I set my goal 1.5 years out for getting it all off...

I'm going to the Y on Mon, Wed and Fri now. I've told my girls this is non-negotiable. Mommy needs this time to work on getting healthier and feeling better. Gabby is going to school in the fall to help me have the time to work on myself. I felt very selfish to stop homeschooling for this reason, but I feel the end justifies the means. If I don't stop the track I'm on healthwise, I won't be here to homeschool them, see them get married, etc. So, it's time to trust that God will work in her life through our family devotionals and her time at Bethel... and I know He will. Mommy's going to get healthy... mommy wants to LIVE again.

If you've followed me before...

you know posts are missing. I've decided to use this blog solely for weight loss/healthy living/spiritual growth type writings. I bore facebook with my daily activities, or write in a journal, so I want to keep this one just for the aforementioned things.