We lose our way... and get back up again....

I've had a HARD week. Those who know me know why. Those who don't... just know it's been stressful, emotional, all of that. I have made some bad food choices. I will not lie. However, I have also discovered I really enjoy exercising when I feel down. It makes me feel better. And, listening to my choir Christmas music while working out lifted me up even more. (someone tell Pastor Jim. He will be proud. I didn't sing though, I could hardly talk if someone had talked to me. LOL).

I did the elliptical for 40 minutes, lower body weights, and 5 min cooldown on crosstrainer. I felt AWESOME!!!!! I did not eat GREAT this week AT ALL... most days right over cal limit... but Tues, Wed, and today did 40 min of cardio (or more, and pretty much all elliptical). I did my weights too. I'll go tomorrow night and work out with Charles. The girls are excited to be able to be in child care together :) Cute. Normally G is at school.

I'm at the point now that I know I've had a lapse... and it's time to STOP in my tracks and remember my goals. I WILL get this weight off. I WILL go back to the healthy eating and cal counting. RIGHT NOW.

If you read this I need you to kick my butt in a few days...

I'm feeling really sick this morning... sinus pressure, nausea... just do not feel good. I can't work out and I am actually upset about that... but please in a few days, someone ask me if I have started back up... because I do not want to get completely out of the habit! Thanks :)

35 pounds GONE!!!!!

I got on the scale this morning expecting to be at 36... but... I'm VERY happy with 35... 2.4lbs this week. I am thrilled. People can tell, I can FEEL it... down 2 sizes. Almost getting to the sizes in the "regular" part of the store!

I'm loving my workouts now. I added interval training which kicks my rear! BUT... I get a much tougher workout. I also added upper body free weights. Loving the change. I am hoping between the new workouts, weaning off my prednisone (YES!!! Been stable at taking my 5mg e/o day for 2 weeks now! Praise GOD!!!)) and watching my calories/carbs... that the weight will keep coming off this fast! Losing 2lbs a week is really, really nice!

God, You are my hiding place...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Etq-jE8IJco

You are My Hiding Place -- Selah

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say
I am strong
In the strength of the Lord

You are my hiding place
You always fill my heart
With songs of deliverance
Whenever I am afraid
I will trust in You

I will trust in You
Let the weak say I am strong
In the strength of the Lord
I will trust in You

Heading to bed but...

can't help but have a lot on my mind. My life has changed a lot this year. I'm not homeschooling and there is a whole group of people I no longer see that I really miss. At the same time, I'm meeting new folks at the Y, at Gabby's school, at church, etc... and that is good but I do really miss the folks I was closer to last year while homeschooling. Life seems to always be changing. I hope to someday see the folks I miss whether it be in Walmart in passing or whatever. I miss my old life in some ways but the new way of life has its benefits too. I don't think anyone knew how stressed out I was trying to deal with pain, limitations etc and homeschooling. Did I need to toughen up? Maybe. But I was so overweight and so unhealthy I was too bogged down to keep moving forward.

We are a month into school and Gabby is doing fabulously. I'm hoping to arrange some playtimes with the girls she plays with the most at school so she can get to know them better and I can meet the moms. Gabby is getting an S (satisfactory, = a A or B) in everything but spelling. She's 2% pts away from a S in spelling because she had a rough time the first test. She's been getting 9 our of 10 the last few weeks so that should be fine at the quarter. She leaves my car and runs for the building... turning around to blow me and her sister kisses on her way into the building. She knows many of the teachers and staff and when we pick her up she happily tells them bye and hugs the ones special to her.

She has grown a lot which is something I was hoping to see come from this, but I have grown and learned too. I've learned I'm worth saving. I'm worth getting healthy. I deserve to feel good and look nice. I don't need to be a certain size, but I do need to feel better about myself and to feel better physically. I sit and ponder the shape I was in last winter and spring and I'm amazed at how far I've come. I love my Y time. I'm loving my bike rides. I'm enjoying the kiddos more now. I am keeping up with them better now.

I feel like I've been given a great gift to get my life back and make it better than it ever was. I'm grateful.

I have a jeans problem again!!! And it's a GOOD thing!!!

I went to Kohl's with a really good friend of mine and tried on a pair of pants in the size I am wearing now... can wear my old clothes in that size and need a few more items. So, I proudly take my jeans in 2 sizes down from my biggest size into the dressing room and they didn't fit!!! I was THRILLED. Here is the story...

In the past when I was smaller I always had problems with jeans fitting my hips and butt but being WAY too big in the waist. I would wear a belt and STILL the jeans would gap at the waist! I didn't notice at the time but when I got to my biggest my pants fit all over, waist, hips and butt. I was no longer pear shaped. I was an apple. This is a BAD shape to be because it's pretty much a sure thing if you carry a ton of belly fat you will end up diabetic.

So, when those jeans fit my hips and butt but NOT my waist, I knew this was a VERY GOOD THING!! I'll be trying on my old Right Fit jeans from Fashion Bug, but they may still be too small... and if so, I'll buy some in my size to get me through. I'm totally thrilled!!

Spiritual type post...

I had intended to blog more about my spiritual growth but I've not been in a Bible study in a while (mine starts up 9/29 on Wed nights). I am loving the SS series on 1 and 2 Corinthians. Today was on forgiveness and as usual, the lesson has me thinking. I am in a situation where I feel I have forgiven but the circumstances dictate that I always be mindful of the offense. This is vague on purpose. I struggle with wondering if this is true forgiveness and the conclusions I have come to are these:

*I no longer harbor anger and bitterness towards the person who has offended me.
*I'm not uncomfortable being in the person's presence and having contact with the person.
*I don't wish the person ill will in any way.
*I don't constantly feel like I could throw up from anxiety regarding this person and situation.

Considering the situation is a sin, and a sin that hurt many people I feel like I am doing very well in regards to letting go. BUT... the circumstances dictate a forever watchful eye and caution. I feel like because this is not destroying me, and because I can honestly say I love and care for this person that I have let go... but it's a matter I keep in prayer about. If you read this, and don't "get it" that's alright... if you want to pray just pray for an unspoken need for my family. <3

I can honestly say God has taught me a lot about letting go and knowing He is God and He has EVERYTHING in His hands.

Officially down TWO sizes!!

I lost .6 this week, and I was actually happy I lost. I wasn't sure how it would go this week (see yesterday's post)

The best thing is yesterday my capris in a size smaller fit me, and I thought it could have been a fluke but now some dress pants in the same size fit me. I feel great!!

Carb creep...

Well, I weighed this morning and I'm up 2 pounds!!! WHAT?!?! I do not get it... wait. I do. Carb creep. When you begin adding some carbs if you are not careful about what kind before you know it you are eating too many. A couple times this week I've had white flour tortillas (snack wraps from DQ and McD) and I ate some of the kids chicken nuggets... all these things are made with white flour and are therefore not that good for me. I learned my lesson. It's time to go back to getting salads when out ALL the time again. I can throw the croutons on the McD caesar salad to get some carby-goodness.... but eating all of these white flour carbs this often has not been good. Of course I could be ok by tomorrow's weigh in... but I'm not sure.

It bothers me that I may be up because for one I didn't always make the best choices. And for two, I worked out 4 days this week!!!!! I did the elliptical anywhere from 20-40 minutes, most days 25-30! I was going to go to the Y this morning but my knee was hurting some (it's better now, thanks to morning meds, Humira shot last night and some Motrin). If I get home in time from the ladies tea room meetup (sunday school class) I may go to the Y this evening. I do not want to get into the habit of putting weight on when I have about 83 more pounds to lose!!!! I don't like the backward steps! :(

Saggy pants!

The other day Gabby told me to pull up my pants. I said they WERE pulled up... so she says "then why is the butt hanging down??" LOL!!!!! She said, "I guess because you lost weight mommy! Now you need to go shopping for new pants!" ha ha!

I'm noticing most of my pants are saggy in the behind. VERY excited. Soon I'll be able to go down another size. I tried on some old pants in the smaller size and they looked a tad vulgar... they did zip, and this is without laying on my bed and putting my feet on the headboard (am I the *only* one?). They were TOO tight to look nice, but they FIT! I was telling my RA doc's assistant and she says to me... "now now girl, you can't wear those then. don't want to tempt the brethren!" hahahahaha!!! We died laughing.

My husband has lost about 30lbs and the other day his boss told him he was looking good!!! And this is a GUY... who would have thought! His work shirts and pants are getting huge. He's afraid that soon he will be embarrassed because his gun belt will pull down his pants! haha!

The other day the RA doc recommended I write about how I feel and the changes I see. I told her I already had a blog. I am glad I started doing that on this blog. Lately I have been rocking the elliptical. I have done 25-40 minutes every time I go to the gym for the last couple weeks. :D I am counting on it to shrink my behind. LOL!

Made an appointment to learn the "scary stuff in the back of the fitness center"!

aka, free weights and such. I saw my buddy Joe the Y trainer when I came in to work out with a friend I hadn't seen in forever (Thanks for coming Kelli!). So, I tell him... I want you to show me the "other stuff in the back of the fitness center" so I can add some variety to my workouts. He says he doesn't want to see me get bored... because I might stop coming. Not bored yet... loving my workouts... but, I want to be prepared and I feel like I can do that stuff back there now.

It's funny, but I'm starting to see myself as a fit person... and you know only fit people use that stuff back in the free weight area... hahaha!

Down 32 pounds as of this morning!!!!!

I am very, very happy. :D I feel AWESOME... still pain from RA here and there but overall really, really feeling great.

I see my RA doctor tomorrow morning. Can't wait to see what she has to say about my weight loss! also, should be able to wean off of prednisone... another try. I'm down 32lbs since the last attempt, so it should go a lot better! I bet I drop a load of weight once that is out of my system!!!!

So, most likely, with the RA dr and PTO mtg tomorrow, there will be no Y time :( I'm actually SAD!!!! If the meeting is over by 7:30 I may go do some cardio... hmm. If not that's ok. I will work out Tues-Fri mornings. I have a dentist appt Tues at 1:15 but I can work out in the morning so that isn't a big deal. As long as I get in 4 times a week I'll be happy.

Hopefully my hubby will put the new innertubes on my bike this week. He's been out of town this weekend. I can always go for a half hour ride in the evening if I don't make it to the gym in the daytime. Looking forward to this.

I still fight not wanting to move much but I can tell gradually I'm moving more and more active... it's not so hard to move around as it was 32lbs ago!!!! :D

It has happened. I'm SCARED!

Before anyone gets worried... here is the ugly truth.

I. LIKE. EXERCISING.

Weird, huh?? I didn't expect this. I went in today, did 20 min each on elliptical and bike, and my upperbody machines. I upped weights on a couple and it was HARD but I did it. The previous weights they were on were too easy! :D And I liked it!!! Sometimes after a workout I get this odd urge to go "WOO!" after it's over.

I. Need. Help.

This from the person who was used to sitting ALL DAY LONG. This from the person with extensive joint damage from RA. Now, I still have trouble walking for long periods, grasping things, etc... BUT... things are looking up and I like moving!

What has happened to me?

Some observations about how I'm feeling better...

I have noticed over the last several weeks that I enjoy walking down to pick my oldest up from the bus stop. Out road is probably 3-4 tenths of a mile long and on bad days there is no way I could walk it... however, on days when Ruthie is awake we walk it after school to get G off the bus.

Also, I've noticed in general I stand more often when at gatherings or outside... and I am enjoying being outside a lot more now too. It's nice to realize that I'm interested in being a little more active in general.

I don't nap as much now. I did nap Sat am and this afternoon too, but we've had a marathon weekend of family gatherings with my in-laws because my SIL and her fam we re in town. We had a great time but we're all exhausted! :D Overall though, I'm not finding that I'm dying for naps like I used to be.

Yesterday I took my bike with a leaking back tire for a 2 mi ride. I thought it was getting harder and harder to pedal but thought it was me being a wimp... no... hubby confirmed this am it was a bad tire. BOO! I'm actually upset about this because I'd love to have the option of riding in the evenings even though I'm working out in the mornings. I find myself being a little cranky when I CAN'T exercise. It's weird, and nice all at the same time.

Lost 0.6 yesterday at regular weigh-in.

I thought I wasn't going to lose AT ALL, but I did lose .6 lbs this week. I'm down another .2 this morning. I may need to lock the scale so I don't weigh every day and stress myself out but sometimes I think it helps me to weigh more often. I really don't want my ultimate goal to be a certain weight, rather a feeling of health and well being. Still, it's hard not to keep thinking of that certain # and think that I'm approx 85lbs away still.