Sickies hit us...

my oldest was dx with strep... and now I'm sick. Haven't been to the Y since last Friday night. :( Hoping my abx kick in and I can workout tomorrow.

YAY!!! My husband is on his way home!!

It's been a long two weeks. Charles was in KY for the last 2 weeks for the army. I'm so thankful he is coming home and so thankful it wasn't longer. I know I'm very fortunate that he has never done a long term deployment (he is in the army reserve). I did my workouts while he was gone but we always go out to eat *a lot* when he isn't here and I've pretty much done myself in when it comes to weight loss these last 2 weeks.

I got some more protein shake powder so I'm going to start drinking those in the mornings again. It's fast, filling, and helps me get my protein in so I am more satisfied and eat less overall. When I was most successful I was drinking one a day, I had more energy too. When I start a day with a ton of carbs like I've done the last 2 weeks I eat much much more because I'm not as satisfied. I also let regular soda creep back into my diet. That is a huge calorie waste!!! So that's going to go now again. I've seen yet again how it takes up all my calories and makes me eat over my limit, and then I do not lose weight. NOT WORTH IT!

Seeing myself get back into those habits is pretty depressing. I don't want to keep feeling bad and being unhealthy. I know if I do what I've always done, I will get what I've always gotten before. Time to be different.

Maintaining...

not losing. Bleh. I know why... eating out too much with my husband out of town. I do feel a lot better now that I've been working out 3-4 times a week for a few weeks again. Tonight the girls swim lessons were cancelled so I did 20 min on the Arc Trainer (kind of like an elliptical) and 30 min on the stationary bike. Also my weight machines. :) I know when my husband is back home we will be in a more normal pattern again and not eating out so much. :O We did have Quiznos today, and the calorie counts were shocking!!! So, it is a good thing I did a ton of cardio. :P

Back where I was now...

I lost a full lb this week so I'm back at my lowest weight again. :) My husband has been out of town, and we were barely home, so this is pretty good. This week we will be home more so it will be MUCH easier to watch my calories and choose better food. I did a lot of grab and go eating this week.

Planning on 3 days at the Y again. :D

Before I Eat -- Anita Renfroe

A friend from high school works at the Y I go to most often and she made a comment about someone sabotaging her by giving her a donut... so I thought of this video... had to post. Hope you all like it...

Before I Eat -- Anita Renfroe

Doing a bit better this week....

I've had a lot going on this week and have been running around too much. I've managed to lost .5 of the pound I gained last week but I know if I had been more careful I would have been down the whole pound plus some. That's ok. Tomorrow is my real weigh day so I will see how it goes then.

I've worked out 3 times this week and as long as we're not all way too hot and icky feeling from the t-ball game I'll pop into the Y to do one more cardio day. I've been using this Cybex machine for cardio and I really like it. It's sort of like an elliptical but my heels don't come up off the foot rests so it's not as bad for my ankle. I can easily do almost 25 minutes on it... well easily when it comes to my pain not easily when it comes to my physical ability... I sweat buckets but I actually enjoy doing it. I've gotten weird!!! LOL.

Gained a pound...

and I'm lucky it wasn't worse between the monthly bloating and not getting to the gym and counting everyday. Obviously my old ways were not working for me, eh? Back to the gym MWF this week and maybe even Thurs evening.... Last 2 t-ball games on Tues eve and Sat am... kids start swimming on Wed... but I'm going to get there for sure MWF am and make a good attempt to be there Thur pm. May go Friday at 6:30 to try Zumba since I didn't make it this past Fri.

Back at it!!!!!

Charles's folks gave me peaches, green beans, corn on the cob, blackberries (not my fav, freezing them for Charles).... I need to get the green beans cooked up and we can eat on them this week. YUM.

Yucky week!!!

I have made it to the gym ONE TIME this week! Bleh! Thursday night we didn't go and opted for a family night--my husband has his army annual training and soon he'll be away for a bit, so we wanted to be together some because I had plans to go to Zumba Friday night--but, I ended up with horrible make-you-fold-in-half menstrual cramps and nausea, so I stayed home. I am still waiting on the cycle to start. I have not been counting this week much either. I'm down 1lb this morning but I am betting I will be up tomorrow. That is okay. I have had a rough week in a lot of ways and I have learned being prepared with easy to grab foods will make all the difference should I run this much in a week again.

I can also see how when school starts, I will have a much better time of it. I'll have to drop Gabby off by 8:40 and I can head right over to the Y every morning besides Thursday morning which I plan to reserve for Bible study--though I may just go Wed night since we'll be up at church for AWANA anyhow. I figure I can make it to the gym 4 mornings a week and save the other one for either Bible study or grocery shopping.

Next week Gabby has camp, so I'm thinking since I'll be out I should be able to go at least 3 mornings. Tuesday and Thursday are spoken for but that leaves 3 other mornings and I could go in the evenings if needed. Time to get back on it and accomplish my goal of getting healthier!

I think I get it now...

I woke up this morning cramping horribly so my cycle is near. No wonder I'm craving salt and sugar and feeling bloated... of course some bloat is from the bad food lately. Blech. This would also explain the crabbiness. LOL. I'm up 2lbs today, part bloat, part not following my plan.... but we're going to the gym tonight, and tomorrow night, and then next wk I can get back to normal routine again with the gym. This week has just been nuts!!

Having a hard time getting back on track...

Today we were gone all day and all evening. So, I did too much on the go eating. I plan to get veggies and keep them around cut up so they are easily grabbed and taken for snacks. That will help immensely. Also, I didn't get to the grocery store thanks to the tire mishap, so I was low on food good for lunches. So, poor planning and prep led to us eating at the Children's Hospital cafe. I figure if I can learn as much as I can from my mistakes it will ultimately help me to do better in the long term.

I haven't made it to the gym since Monday night!!!! GRRR.... I actually miss it and want to go... tomorrow night will have to do as I'm busy all morning and afternoon. If Charles went in later I could work out first thing, which would be awesome on busy days, but I can't. The Y opens at 5 and a lot of mornings he leaves at 5:30. No way to really get a good workout in and make it home in time to not break the law by leaving my nearly 7 and 3.5yo old daughters alone at home.

I can already see that once school starts I'll be much better able to get in a routine but that is not going to keep me from getting back to my MWF mornings next week.

I also learned in the last few days that I'm really falling short on protein... and when that happens the carbs creep back in. So, I'm going to be more intentional about making sure I get the protein in. Also water--with being on the go I had a mega diet dr pepper, and a mega diet mtn dew... and my ankles are puffy thanks to not enough water and too much saly from food on the go.

If I'm going to succeed I need to plan much better. I will. I am learning from these mistakes.

WHY?? Emotional eating... WHY??

So this morning we set out to go grocery shopping. The plan was to get groceries, come home and clean and then put them away. I left later than I planned on, and noticed the tire pressure light on the dash. Charles had told me it was on the other day and I assumed he took care of it because it wasn't on the last time I drove the car. I'm going down the frontage road and realize my car is driving funny. I pulled into a parking lot and see the tire is noticeably flat. I decide to go to a gas station, get gas (almost out) and air up the tire. I aired it up (75 cents?!? for AIR???) and decide I need to get it looked at because it probably wasn't safe to drive on very far, and I knew tomorrow I had to take Ruthie to the allergist in the morning.

So, I call Dobbs and they say it might be a few hours but they can get me in. Thankfully, my mom could come to get us and take us to the Burger King nearby which has a playland. We waited over 2 hours and then I called, they estimated another hour until they could get it in and finish it. So we sat a while longer then she took me to Dobbs and it was ready within 10 minutes of our arrival.

WHEW! So, I still needed milk, and Tide detergent. So, we run over to Target, by now we're hot, crabby and just plain TIRED. Got my stuff and decided to take the kids to QT for a slushie. I tell myself I'm getting a diet soda. I guess I was annoyed at how my day went and I sabotaged my diet for the day with some chips and soda. WHY?? I cannot tell you. Because now I feel awful for doing it. I am annoyed at myself. I know the food wouldn't make my troubles go away but I wanted it.

I also found out in the course of the day that I have eye dr appts in the afternoon for both girls. Thankfully they are at Children's in the afternoon so we can do the allergist and then go over to the eye center. I'm disapointed in how my day tomorrow is going to be too. I know being sad over tomorrow being insane didn't help me this afternoon. So, I'm going to leave tomorrow at 9am, and most likely since the last dr appt is at 2, I may not even be home before rush hour. I'm dreading it!!!

Rebellion? Food addiction? I am not sure what to call it but for some reason I could not be strong any longer. Somehow in these situations I must reach within myself and find strength. And, it's not worth it to drink that many calories. So not worth it. :(

Anyone who's successfully stopped emotional eating, I'd love feedback. I need to find something that helps me get through the times. Part of me thinks going totally off Sunday was my problem because I had been a lot better with emotional eating until today. I guess my mind thinks it's ok because I did it Sunday and this morning I weighed the same.

I basically threw away my hard work!!!! If I don't watch it I'll be back where I started and I do NOT want to go back.

I'm about to tear up... somewhat emotional but in a good way!

First of all, I decided tonight it's time to work on doing the Elliptical. I've been working out enough that my endurance has gotten stronger so it was time to give it a go. When we first joined the Y in April, 5 minutes on that thing was too much.

I got on and gutted it out for 10 minutes, then did the weight machines. I went back and planned to do another 10, but made it 5 and almost quit. I pressed on another 3 and then stopped. I'm very very proud of myself for being able to do this!!!! I'm going to work up to 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer because it's an awesome calorie burn!

Also, here is the emotional part. I went out to sit at the table in the Y foyer because Charles went to get the girls from child care. As I sat down I noticed I was able to get into the chair easily. I stood up when we left and the chair didn't come with me. I'm crying now. These are things you take for granted until you are overweight, and depressed and down about yourself. It was amazing to me to already see a change like that in my body.

When I get this weight off, I'm going back to Silver Dollar City and I'm riding that ride I was too big for last summer. I WILL DO IT!!!

Great day yesterday...

and I know I ate too much. I'm up 2lbs today but I know I ate a ton of salt. :P I want to keep eating without caring but that is what got me into the unhappy place so that is not an option. We're going over to my mom's today, and she's getting pizza, so it's time to log into SparkPeople.com and figure up what I'm eating before I get there. At some point I hope to be free from calorie counting. *sigh* Until then this is how it needs to be if I am going to learn how to eat within healthy limits.

First holiday celebration since really committing to change...

and I've decided to enjoy food today. I'm going to listen to my body when it says "you're full, STOP" but I'm not going to track today. Just today I'm going to take the day off from counting. The difference is, I've told myself it's right back to tracking tomorrow and this is not going to derail me. In the past a holiday would come and it would be the beginning of the end of my weight loss until the next time I decided to start.

I have to think about this in a new way if I am going to finally break free from being overweight and be successful at weight loss for life. One day will not break me if that is all it is... one day.

Down 4.6 this week!!

VERY happy. I need to remember sticking to plan is good for me even if I don't see a big loss on the scale. My husband just informed me he lost 4lbs from where he was the last time he weighed weeks ago. Men don't seem to have the fight to get it off like we do, at least not my man. He can watch his cals and will drop weight like crazy!! But that doesn't diminish my accomplishment this week, and he needs to lose too.

I am on BP meds but he is on meds for Type 2 Diabetes, so we both need to be on this journey together.

This brings my total loss to 21.4!!! Woot-woot! I'm admitting a lot here when I say 8 more lbs to have lost 10% of my body weight. I have also passed my first mini-goal of 20lbs, next is the 10% and then after that the 40lbs off. :)

Today is the 4th of July and I've decided to not go insane with food, but to enjoy what is there to eat and not stress over counting. I will eat whatever veggies are available and try to make most of my food out of veggies but I'm not going to go nuts counting.

Happy 4th!

Hopped on the scale...

because I can'r stand waiting until Sunday. I'm down exactly 20.5 pounds. I'm very happy about that. This means I've lose 3.5 this week. I'd LOVE to lose that much weekly!!!!

Perhaps the best thing lately is the message at the Beth Moore conference really got me thinking about how I just didn't love myself. I kept thinking once I lost the 95 more lbs that I would then. But, I need to love myself and care NOW. I felt for a long time that all people saw when they looked at me was FAT lady. They still might, because I am still overweight, but I don't CARE anymore. I know who God thinks I am and that is all that matters. I am sure I'll still battle with this but for the first time in a long time I feel I am worth it... I am worth losing the weight and fighting the fight to get healthier.

Last one for today... girls and body image

I talked to Gabby (almost 7) Sunday about my need to get healthy. I told her mommy wasn't so concerned with looking a certain way as she was about feeling better and doing more fun things with her and her sister. I am hoping in all of this she doesn't learn looking a certain way is the important thing--it's not... but feeling good and being healthy is the goal.

I want us all to make better food choices and be more active but I don't want my daughters obsessed with their body image at their present ages or at any age... they are 3.5 and almost 7.

The other day Gabby was whining about going to the Y "again". I reminded her mommy needs to get healthy and feel better and this is how it's going to happen. Any thoughts on how to help my girls build a healthy self image? :O I do pray they don't inherit my weight struggle but me being on this path should really help with that!!!

Imago Dei

Perhaps the real kick in the butt came this past weekend at the Beth Moore Living Proof Live event. You might think it was the uncomfy chair, yes that was part of it... not fitting in the arena chairs makes one want to lose weight for sure!! But... it was the content of the sessions by Beth Moore that really got me thinking it is TIME... high time I work on my body... my attitude towards my body... and my spiritual self too.

When the tragedy hit with my family, I felt a lot of shame. I buried shame in food. Lots of food. Food was always there, growing up I dealt with arthritis pain starting from the age of 5... I couldn't always "do stuff" but I could eat. Food was a constant in my life for comfort. I know in some ways I put food above God... instead of praising when happy, eat. Instead of weeping before the Lord in prayer when sad, eat. Now, I did pray and I did praise but food was what "made me feel good". Then I'd gain more and feel bad, so you guessed it, more food.

I know people looked at me and wondered why I would eat so much when I was so heavy... like "doesn't she get it? she needs to LOSE, not GAIN!!" But the mindset I was in was that I couldn't lose the weight, that I didn't deserve to lose it and I never would so why try. A sad place to be in for sure.

Anyway, back to Beth Moore. So, the whole weekend was all about Imago Dei... that we are made in God's image. He put us here to bear His image. Wear it to bear it... I think is what she said. God chose me before the foundation of the Earth to bear His image... He chose me, arthritis, glaucoma, limp, insecurities... all of that and He chose me. Not because I was "good enough" or "deserving enough" but because He loved me. I sat there over the weekend soaking it all up. God wants me... as a Believer, to bear His image. I am good enough, but only because Christ died for my sins. I can't be good enough without Him.

And the thing that really got to me this weekend was we have to CHOOSE to put on the new man and put off the old man, the flesh. I make a choice when I get up if I am going to live my live as a follower of Christ and believe Him when He says how He sees me... or if I am going to be down, condemn myself to failure, etc. I truly felt God telling me... "Do you see how I see you? Do you get it now? You are worth it--you were worth it to me..."

I know I DO deserve health, to be fit, to care for my temple. I deserve to put on the new "man" I am in Christ and show the world that its by His strength that I am who I am.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knit me together in my mother's womb. God called me, and His Son's sacrifice saved me. I am more than a conqueror.

Time to start blogging about my weight loss journey.

I've been overweight as long as I can remember. I have tried and failed to lose the weight so many times. I'll get close to my goal, figure I'm "done" and go off the eating plan. Not good. This time is going to be different. I started April 11th and have lost 20lbs to date. This is with a rebellious period in the middle too. So I know I can do this. It is time to work on ME... to get ME healthy and feeling better.

I'm going to the gym 3 times a week and going to throw in 1 or 2 more times as I have time... committing to 3 times right now. I'm tracking my calories on SparkPeople.com (I'm mrslmfuller).

I've recently met a new friend through another friend. Janelle has lost 100lbs and she "gets it". She knows how it feels to be obese and how hard it can be to unpack the emotions and feelings associated with being overweight. Where I'm at right now, I want to lose 95 more pounds. It is time to take care of myself.

I knew a year ago when we went to Branson it was time but I was not ready. We took the kids to SDC and I tried to get on this ride with Gabby. I could not buckle it. No matter how hard I tried I couldn't fit in there. I wanted to run away and hide, and bawl but I didn't want my daughter to know how much it bothered me. A helpful teenager came up and said "I'll ride with her so she can ride..." While this was helpful at the same time it was humiliating. I started a brief diet then but it wasn't something I was determined to do. Eating crap was more important to me than feeling better.

My family went through (are still going through) a major trial. It's been going on since the end of November 09. Long story short I went on anti-depressants, saw a Christian counselor and in the process of learning to cope and live through this tragedy, I have grown closer to the Lord and learned a lot about myself too. I feel blessed to have a God that cares for me no matter how bitter and angry I had became, He was always there with open arms. Through the trial I gained 25-30lbs more on top of what I was carrying. I was taking food and putting it in God's place as my comfort.

I saw my GP back the end of March 2010. He knows our family so he understood my weight gain but told me... now it's time to work on losing the weight and feeling better. He told me my blood pressure was borderline high (now it is high, on meds) and it was time to change so I didn't have more health related problems. I went on SparkPeople.com's diet and have counted off and on but mostly on. I'm 20lbs down and I'm hoping to lose the other 95 by the end of 2011. I set my goal 1.5 years out for getting it all off...

I'm going to the Y on Mon, Wed and Fri now. I've told my girls this is non-negotiable. Mommy needs this time to work on getting healthier and feeling better. Gabby is going to school in the fall to help me have the time to work on myself. I felt very selfish to stop homeschooling for this reason, but I feel the end justifies the means. If I don't stop the track I'm on healthwise, I won't be here to homeschool them, see them get married, etc. So, it's time to trust that God will work in her life through our family devotionals and her time at Bethel... and I know He will. Mommy's going to get healthy... mommy wants to LIVE again.

If you've followed me before...

you know posts are missing. I've decided to use this blog solely for weight loss/healthy living/spiritual growth type writings. I bore facebook with my daily activities, or write in a journal, so I want to keep this one just for the aforementioned things.