Confession time...

I've gained back 3 pounds. So, I'm at 37.8 off now. I'm sad about it. I got depressed and turned to food which is NOT going to help. I watched Biggest Loser last night and seeing bow much Ada has worked through has inspired me to keep going. I don't want to be as big as I was, and I don't want to be as big as I am now long term. I need to lose about 77 pounds to be at the upper end of a good weight for my frame so it's time to stop wallowing and medicating with food. I have a long way to go, but I have already come pretty far. All I know is if I do what I have always done I'm going to get what I've always gotten... which is gaining more weight and being more unhappy.

I've been wallowing in my bad feelings about a situation in my family and that has contributed to my diet downfall as well. I read chapter 9 in So Long Insecurity (Beth Moore book) and worked through a LOT of STUFF. Chapter 9 is a long prayer where you are guided through laying your fears and insecurities down at the foot of the cross and reclaiming your dignity as a woman of God. I had a long hard cry as God revealed to me areas where I don't feel "good enough" and how I punish myself by sabotaging myself... or medicate my bad feelings with food. Christ died so I can be free... not only free from sin, death, and hell... but free from fear, insecurity and bondages of any sort. I have to put off the "old man" and clothe myself in dignity (Proverbs 31).

I also worked through Daniel chapter 1 for my ladies Bible study and the Babylon "motto" has really gotten to me. "I am, and there is no one besides me." This not only was the thought of that time, but it's the thought now too... and I can apply it to my family member who has caused so many pain, but I also need to point the finger at ME. Eating out of control and not treating myself well is saying, "I am and there is no one besides me." I'm basically forgetting my friends and family who would be deeply impacted should my health spiral downward as a result of my rebellion and neglect. I have to remember I'm not alone in this and my choices will affect my husband and my girls. Also others.

So, back at the calorie counting, the Y workouts and on off Y days, the Jillian video.. then the Bob ones once I feel ready for him. He's a beast! LOL!

Where am I now?

Well, I've slacked... but here is an update.

I've lost 40.8 pounds total. For some reason I'm sabotaging myself right now. I am not gaining but I am not losing. I really believe for me the answer is LOW to NO carbs. When I start letting myself have some carbs, a little becomes a lot before I know it.

I know though, that carbs, desserts, etc are a part of life so I need to learn moderation. I am nowhere near where I used to be, but I know myself and I can get back there in a hurry if I'm not careful. So it's time to go back on phase 1 of SBD and deal with these cravings.

This means no dinner at church Wed because they are having spaghetti AND garlic bread... :( I may need to wait a few days so the mexican lasagna in my fridge doesn't go to waste, or ONLY allow myself to eat that and then when it's gone just no more carbs. But I will get back on this.

If you follow me...

you know I've slacked off. I'm really not discouraged, but just haven't been able to work out much. Last week I was getting really snotty and feeling run down... and my rheumatologist ordered me to not work out if I was sick or run down. I'm on immune system suppressing drugs so I listen to her about these things. Also, Friday I was feeling better, but had Gabby's party so a workout that day just didn't happen. Going for sure Mon, Tues, and Thurs... maybe even Sat... Hubby has army reserves so I'll have to get the girls out before noon... around 10:30-11:00 so I can get a good workout in.

Time for bed... up too late tonight. Weigh in tomorrow. I hit 37lbs last week. We ate out last night for my husband's birthday so I fully expect to gain this week. Back on program again tomorrow...

36.6 pounds down since April 11, 2010

I couldn't be happier. This is the longest in a LONG while that I've stuck to a diet and exercise regimen. Oops, not DIET, healthy eating. I do have "bad stuff" but not every day, and not NEAR as often as in the past. It's a TREAT now, as it should be.

My goal is to be down 50lbs at or before 12/31/10. This means I have to lose like 1.5lbs a week (I think). I think it is doable. :)

update...

well, I haven't fully recovered from my bad week I posted about on 10/6. But, I've worked out 2x this week and I'm feeling better... planning to work out 4-5 times next week for sure. If I can get my girls out of bed tomorrow morning in time I'll work out in the morning too... but with it being Sat, I'd like to let them sleep, lol.

Down right now overall... just having a hard time lately.

October 2010 shot

The cold weather came...

and my ankle didn't like it much. Thankfully it wasn't as bad as it used to be when the weather changed. I took off from the gym today, didn't really rest, but I did manage to get the girls some fall/winter things at Goodwill and make a run to Walmart... came home, lunch and 3yo to bed, worked on laundry. My ankle is awesome now so tomorrow after taking G to school we'll hit the Y. She's off Friday and I'm so excited!! Monday too :D

Friday no Y, but we're going to MOPS and then out to McD with some friends. Monday I'm hoping to get to the Y then take them to Pottery Hollow to paint things for someone for Christmas. :)

Time for bed, it's after midnight. Tomorrow I'll get back on my eating plan and count my cals. I fell off the wagon today, argh! Actually, haven't been on the wagon since last week. Stress does awful things to my eating plan. :( I'm better this week so no more excuses! ;)